Football Thursday

I commissioned a PR firm to conduct a worldwide poll of Dave's World readers, asking which of the Football Thursday celebrity guest panelists you wanted to have back for a second appearance. And the voting was nearly unanimous -- everybody loves Steve Sears.

Either that, or, Steve was the only person on Instant Messenger when I realized at the last minute I forgot to ask anyone to pitch in this week.

So welcome back, Steve, who joins in along with world-class troublemaker Dave Scott, underground bunker-based Idaho misanthrope Shawn O'Neal, heterosexual male Howie Day fan Chris Forsberg, and your lame-duck blogger for the second-to-last week of Dave's World Football picks.

Game of the Week: Dallas at Philadelphia

SO'N: Millions of Americans surely breathed a sigh of relief when the Eagles made it official and booted TO -- please, do not ever call him Terrell Owens -- for the year and, probably, forever. Finally, ESPN can start focusing on other things. But seriously, this incestuous lust for all things TO by The Mouse takes me back to my high school graduation. It was then that Bryan Adams' emasculation anthem "Everything I Do (I Do It For You)" was omnipresent. It was like if they were to start televising poker from Starbucks. Anyway, I remember thinking to my self, "self, I wish they had a station that played only this song, so people could hear it 24/7 and the rest of us would be spared the pain." So, how 'bout it ESPN? Can we have TO TV so the rest of us can live normal, happy lives? BTW, Drew and the Pokes win, taking another step toward Super Bowl inevitability.

DS: In Tuna we trust, despite the distinct possibility that Donovan F. McNabb winds up throwing for 400 yards and running for another 200. There's still just too much T.O. residual for the Eagles to be fully concentrating on Drew, Terry and Keyshawn.

SS: So I hear T.O. won't be playing in this game. In situations like this, a team such as Philly could implode and tank the rest of the season or they could rally around each other. I'll go with the latter. As for the 'Boys, since Bill Parcells likes to bring back old retreads, like Drew Bledsoe, I've been scouring the transactions to see if he has picked up Kevin Turner, Vincent Brown, Marion Butts or Ray Crittenden. Unfortunately I have yet to see their names. If I had, I would pick Dallas in a route, but I think Philly rallies in this one.

CF: The Burger King Web site doesn't contain a single reference to the King this week, which seems to confirm the rumors that the Dallas
Cowboys signed him during their bye week. It makes sense, too. The
King has shown the ability to thrive around Cowboys' quarterbacks —
stepping in front of a Drew Bledsoe offering in one spot, and
catching that tight spiral from Quincy Carter in another. Distraught
at being shown up by a former fast food mascot, Terrell Owens hires
fellow Philadelphia sports star Ugueth Urbina to light the King on
fire after the Cowboys prevail.

DD: Great, I'm the last one up, and there have already been four T.O. references and a Burger King reference. Ummm … did you see the finish of the Dallas-Seattle game a couple weeks back? Didn't that bring back nightmares? This week Drew is going to trot out another old Bledsoe favorite. This is what I called "The Bledsoe Lean," where, on a quarterback sneak on 4th-and-5 inches, he would grab the ball and just sort of stand there and lean forward instead of actually running forward like Tom Brady, who seems to average about 15 yards on keepers up the middle. Did Drew ever convert a 4th-down sneak in his life?

Other NFL Games

SO'N: Houston at Indianapolis -- You really want me to pick this game? OK, Indy. Now, back to TO. I bash ESPN for their coverage of all things TO, but I gotta admit, I watched the "apology" press conference live. And since I don't even watch the NFL live, I suppose that's why The World Wide Leader gives his every move play usually reserved for presidential assassinations. There. I'm part of the problem. I admit that. I have an insatiable appetite for TO. And nachos. TO AND nachos? Now, that's a party.

(Dave's World interjects: Did you think the Peyton Manning Fun Fact was going to go away just because the Colts finally beat the Pats for the first time since the franchise moved from Baltimore? If you did, you underestimate me. Here is this week's Fun Fact: Peyton wears the number 18 in honor of his 1-8 record in Foxboro).(Yes, I know it is actually 1-7. Send your correction email to norings@peyton.net).

Washington at Tampa Bay -- My favorite part of the TO apology presser was when Drew Rosenhaus addressed reports that he was ready to drop TO as a client. Rosenhaus then referred to TO as "a great person" before bellowing "I love this man!" It was like watching DVD outtakes from "Jerry Maguire." Hell, standing in the background, TO even looked like Rod Tidwell. I kept waiting for Rosenhaus to actually show us all the true meaning of his "personal-services contract." Who's gonna win between the Skins and Bucs? Next question.

DS: Patriots at Miami -- The free pass that this edition of the Patriots is getting -– even from venom-filled WEEI 850 AM in Boston -– is nothing short of incredible. They're hurt; they're adjusting to new coaches; they're coming back to the pack.

Oh yeah? How about this one: They're playing awful football. Poor execution, mental lapses and even all-out exasperation (Brady on the bench, eyes turned skyward) have been evident all season. They are the ultimate WiLo bunch: Win one, lose one, win one, lose one, and so on.

Fortunately, for the suck-ups in Boston, this is a "win-one" week. But it won't be easy, and that's nothing short of comical.

Kansas City at Buffalo -- If Dick Vermeil cries one more time, he's officially eligible for Academy Awards nominations. Onion cutters in a French onion soup factory don't cry as much as this softy.

That said, you had to love the call to go for the win (at home) last week, instead of the OT-inducing tie. Vermeil can cry a river all the way to Detroit for the Super Bowl if he keeps making gutsy calls like that one

SS: Minnesota at New York Giants -- Talk about overrated; this whole sex-cruise business is way overblown. Like the stodgy old reporters who are losing their collective comb-overs would not have done the same thing given the opportunity? It's almost as ridiculous as calling the Stone Temple Pilots, owners of one of the better albums of the 90s (Purple), the most overrated band of all time. The honor most assuredly belongs to KISS. They are terrible. I think the Giants fall back down to earth this week, but there is no way they should lose to the Vikes at home. Take the G-Men.

(Dave's World interjects: Steve, you get a free pass here because you were about 10 years old when the whole Seattle music thing broke and were too young to discern between giants of the industry like Nirvana and their corporately cloned knockoffs. For the rest of you, remember: Worst band ever: STP, Second worst: Creed).

New York Jets at Carolina -- If you watch ESPN on Sunday nights/Monday mornings you can sing along to the tune of the "Here's to football" song. "I love Ty Law getting punked, Brooks Bollinger throwing junk, and the Jets getting dunked ... for just two wins!" I won't torture you any longer. When ESPN started doing this every week during football season a few years ago, I thought it was just a temporary thing. Boy, was I wrong. Does the guy write this stuff during Sundays in Bristol, Conn. trying to find a word that rhymes with Kimo von Oelhoffen as Dan Patrick screams, "We need the song now! Now! We're running out of time!" As far as the game goes, no sane person can take Brooks Bollinger on the road in Carolina. Thanks, Dave. This was an easy one.

DD: St. Louis at Seattle -- We're taking a break here to discuss Tuesday's Seattle municipal elections. Now, Seattle's streets and highways are congested as bad as any city in the country. The roads themselves are outdated. The cost of gas is such that we're supposed to be happy we're "only" paying $2.55. There's a transportation crunch and things are only getting worse. So what did Seattlites do Tuesday? They voted down a monorail plan that would have connected the north and southwest of the city through the ridiculously congested downtown. Not to mention, would have stopped at the stadia for which they were OK with spending a billion dollars (which sit on the spot of the former Kingdome, which was imploded five years ago, a building for which they are also still paying). Meanwhile, the cityfolk won't get back a dime of the $200 million they've already sunk into the project; and will continue to be taxed on the rail line that won't be built for another two years. If you've ever seriously considered Northwest living, relocate to Portland or Vancouver instead, where they actually get public works projects finished (hell, Vancouver even got the Olympics). Oh, and the Seahawks will fall apart like they always do, starting Sunday.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh -- So I was having an instant message conversation with a friend of mine recently in which we were discussing odd names for arenas. (If you wonder if I might have something better to do with my life, scroll down and see my 2,000-word post on Mexican wrestling and you'll have your answer). Without a doubt, my favorite offbeat-sounding name for a facility is Diddle Arena, which, seemingly appropriately, is in Western Kentucky, and hosts WKU hoops. Then I googled Diddle Arena and found out that it was named after WKU legend Edgar Allen Diddle. Edgar Allen Diddle! Sounds like the lead character in an adult movie with a Poe theme. Oh yeah, anyway, Cleveland wins.

CF: Denver at Oakland -- Oakland fans think opposing teams hate them because of how unstoppable they used to be. No, we just hate the Raiders because of their fans. (D's W: Chris linked a series of photos to his picks this week that I'm not linking. The one I was supposed to put here was of a goofy looking dressed up Raiders fan). Listen, I give the guy an 'A' for effort. I'm sure he spent a good 8 to 10 hours concocting that ripped-off head in a Saints helmet. But chances are he skipped his kid's school play to do it. And when Little Billy wanted to play catch in the backyard on Sunday, Daddy was too busy painting his face to look like a zebra with vertigo.

Jacksonville at Baltimore -- Am I the only who thinks Jacksonville quarterback Bryan Leftwich looks exactly like Saturday Night Live's Kenan Thompson? (D's W: Here, Chris linked to a photo of Urkel for some reason). I mean, every time I see him on the sideline with his helmet off I keep waiting for that Kel guy to run over and start screaming something about Good Burger. And while we're totally ignoring the pick -- and why not since Jamal Lewis couldn't rush for 100 yards against the cast of All That, let alone the Jacksonville D -- it's simply impossible to flip past Dance 360 on UPN (which is co-hosted by Kel Mitchell and former Onyx frontman Fredro Starr). Tag ya man! Tag ya man!

Colleges

SO'N: Alabama at LSU --If an Alabama team finishes undefeated and out of the national-title game for a second straight year, get ready for the Apocalypse. The good folks at Auburn got screwed last year, and if Texas, Southern Cal and Alabama win out, the Tide will get the shaft this year. If it happens, Paul "Bear" Bryant will rise from his grave and a lead a coalition of living and dead Auburn and Alabama football fans on a rampage to make the Crusades look like the lunch rush at Subway. The good news is this — Alabama's offense is so bad even Bear's ghost knows this team is a fraud. The Tide are plenty good, and the defense is perhaps the nation's best, but this is no title contender and LSU will put things in perspective.

DS: UMass at Army -- The last time UMass and Army met was, well, whenever the last riot in Southwest was started over a sporting event or a racial insult. Likely, last weekend or perhaps, last night, knowing my Amherst disciples.

On the football field, the two teams have met just once before (a Minuteman loss in 1977) and in its I-AA history (dating back to the division's formation in 1978), UMass is, according to the Minuteman game notes, "8-16 against I-A foes, with the last victory being a 26-10 triumph over Ball State on Sept. 1, 1984, at home at McGuirk Alumni Stadium."

Would it be too bold to predict the 7-2 Minutemen beat the host, 2-6 Black Knights?

We think not. And with the Minuteman win, all the ROTC kids hanging out at Boyden are torn between their two allegiances, but decide they might as well join the riots instead of stopping them.

SS: Navy at Notre Dame -- The Fighting Irish (this nickname offends me) have obviously dominated the Midshipmen, beating them 41 straight times. That will be 42 by late Saturday afternoon. We all know about Notre Dame, the success of Brady Quinn, the 300-year contract Charlie Weis just signed, but what about Navy? Well, Lamar Owens is the quarterback. They like to run. They ... uh.... like boats. That's all I've got. I just have to say "Thanks, Dave" once again. I get the easy games, though I wish he had given me another chance to pick against Northeastern. Maybe next time.

CF: USC at Cal -- Southern Cal seems like the place to be. Heck, my friends are hightailing it to Los Angeles quicker than foxes lately. The only things that interests me about USC are the rumors about Matt Leinart dating that Kristin girl from Laguna Beach. Nice pull there, Matty. And since I'm on the picture kick, that shameless lead-in gives me an opportunity to present this, which I know Dave's World will have no problem posting on his site.... (D's W: Why Chris sent a shot of a shirtless Leinart, I'm not sure).

DD: Boise State at Fresno State -- How do you know it is November? When the Top 25 college basketball polls come out and Gonzaga is in the Top 10. This eventually leads to its corollary question -- how do you know it is March? When Gonzaga gets bounced in the first weekend of the NCAA tourney. (This will lead to the corollary email, where Shawn explains to me why it is different with the Zags this time, they're loaded).

Gonzaga, of course, routinely gets ranked higher than it deserves because writers back East feel they are obligated to rank the Zags high in order to avoid being accused of dreaded East Coast Bias -- you know, the same East Coast Bias that voted for Bartolo Colon over Mo Rivera as AL Cy Young; has USC atop the football polls for three years running; has 10 straight AL MVPs coming out of the West Division; etc.

Anyway, the football equivalent is the WAC, where Boise or Fresno and sometimes both end up in the Top 25 en route to the Humanitarian Bowl or the galleryfurniture.com bowl or some other such holiday classic. And it will probably be Boise, which has been putting up absurd numbers of points recently.

Last week's Football Thursday