Football Thursday

This is it, kids, the final Football Thursday. Steve Sears is back again this week; he's now an official member of the gang in a September-callup sort of way. Thanks to Shawn O'Neal, Dave Scott and Chris Forsberg for playing along every week.

On to the picks:

Game of the week: Indianapolis at Cincinnati

SO'N —- Talk about a strange confluence of events. It wasn't long ago that a Bengals-Colts game would have drawn all the excitement of a bootlegged Dick Cheney-Condoleezza Rice sex tape. Now, tickets are going for more than $700 on eBay and the game sets up as one of the better contests of the regular season. Bengals officials are also warning fans about the possibility of counterfeit tickets. That shouldn't be a problem as Cincinnati fans are used to spotting a fraud. To wit, their so-so team will be exposed this weekend. It's not that Cincinnati is bad. It's that if the Colts are butter, the Bengals that crap my wife makes me eat that comes out of the spray bottle. Trust me, it ain't the same thing.

(Dave's World interjects: Which spray bottle are we talking about, SO'N? When I visited Idaho you were feeding your kid no-stick spray straight out of the can and claiming it counted as a serving of vegetables).

SS -- Two years ago, Kansas City entered Cincy with a 9-0 record and left 9-1. Now, the unstoppable, greatest team of all time, the Indianapolis Colts, are going to northern Kentucky with a similar 9-0 record. Will the same thing happen? I doubt it. Even though the Bengals secondary has made mince meat of the artist formerly known as Brett Favre and other NFC central "quarterbacks" to the tune of 1,000 interceptions, I don't see them doing the same to Peyton. Anyway, the Colts must go undefeated or the terrorists have won.

CF: See, Doyle's the only one who gets to see all the picks before they get posted, so I'm always left to wonder if someone above me already
stole a certain witty angle on the group pick. Like, do I make a Chad
Johnson guarantee joke here, or will Dave Scott have already beaten
that one into the ground? Do I bash Peyton Manning, or will Doyle
have already fun facted that for us. I just don't know. Colts remain undefeated, I guarantee it!

DS: Wow -– what a sad week: Big Papi loses to the A-Fraud, a WWE wrestler we never knew dies and The World Of Doyle shutters its windows.
There truly is no justice.

As one of the original pickers chosen by DD, I feel it's only proper to hearken back to some of the glorious weeks in this feature's long, proud history . . . Hold on – this isn't the Boston Globe, is it?

Truthfully? I never knew how demanding it could be to make a complete boob of myself week-in and week-out. I don't claim to be an NFL-head, but I follow the game. Same with the colleges.

But picking winners (even without a spread) is grueling stuff.
Even so, we're mustering the energy to give you one final hurrah and ask that you remember The Streak (of wins) and not The Rash (of losses) during our time in this Wiseguys' World o' Doyle.

No room for explanations, really, but my gut tells me that Seattle is better equipped to ruin the Perfect Peyton Season than Cincy. Colts win, and the '72 Dolphins guys come out of the woodwork. Again.

And now, for the final time, am unsolicited (yet somehow warranted) cheap shot at Kenny Chesney. I mean Peyton Manning. . . . From our host with the most, Double-D. . .

DD -- First off, DS, how can you not include the Revs' loss in Copa MLS on Sunday on your list of this week's bad news? The Revs have now lost the finals twice to the Galaxy. Clearly there is a Curse of Walter Zenga book waiting to be written, then beaten and beaten and beaten long after the horse has not just died, but been turned into glue. Now, as for Our Final Dave's World Peyton Manning Fun Fact, we're going to instead hand off to his fellow ringless MVP, Alex Rodriguez. That would be A-Rod, the man judged to be most valuable to his team in 2005. He left the Mariners; the Mariners won 116 games the following season. He was adjudged most valuable on the last-place Texas Rangers in 2003; when the player judged most valuable to that team left town, their win percentage improved from .438 to .549. Sense a pattern here? A-Rod has been with the Yankees for two years now; that coincided with the first two-year period in which the team didn't win a pennant in a decade. Anyway, here's this week's fun fact: In his past eight playoff games, going back to Game 5 of the 2004 ALCS, two-time AL MVP Alex Rodriguez's postseason batting average is .111. But hey, he plays the field, so the guy whose teams get better when he leaves is clearly more valuable to his team than the guy who was the backbone of the most successful three-year run in his team's century-long history. Oh, and, Bengals win.

Other NFL

SO'N: Arizona at St. Louis -- It's hard to pick what excites Rams fans more -- that Kurt Warner is no longer their quarterback or that his wife will be leaving their fair city shortly after this game? Both are great news for St. Louis residents, whose Rams already trail Seattle by three games in the Feces Fiesta that is the NFC West. Warner's had a hard time throwing the ball to the right guys (five picks, three TDs) and the only games the Cardinals have won have come against teams that are currently applying for admission to the Arena League -- Tennessee and San Francisco. But it's hard to hang it all on Warner. The guy's not what he used to be, but he's been sacked 13 times this year. The guy who took his place when he was injured -- Josh McCown -- has also hit the turf 13 times. To contrast. there are five teams that have allowed fewer than 13 sacks this year. I usually like to be more analytical in my comments, but there's just no need to be eloquent here: Arizona sucks.

Miami at Cleveland -- Silly old me … I didn't even know they still played football in Cleveland. Thought that scoundrel Art Modell had packed them up and headed to Baltimore … named them the Ravens … won a Super Bowl with Trent Dilfer at QB. But, yup, Dave tells me to pick Miami at Cleveland and when I go to the standings, there they are. How about that? Anyway, I supposed the story here is former Bill Belichick guys going at it. Romeo Crenel and Nick Saban have to be applauded for what they've done this year, bringing a little bit of pride back to these once-proud organizations. Good for them. Take the Browns, unless you're worries about taking the word of a guy who thought seriously that football had returned to Baltimore. In that case, take the Dolphins.

DS: Detroit-Dallas -- We told you last week: In Tuna we trust. Monday night's stunner only confirms what we've thought for a long time: Give me Drew Bledsoe, Terry Glenn and The Tuna and I'll give you a playoff team.
Call this the "One You'll Never See on Thanksgiving Day" and call the Cowboys, "Daddy."

And call Quin Snyder, "Coach," or else he'll drip hair gel on you and make you smell his cologne.

Buffalo-San Diego -- I'm trying to remember the last full-time, guaranteed, gonna-be-there–starter that Buffalo has had and, in lieu of Drew, all I can come up with is Jim Kelly. Buffalo has been without a marquee QB since Kelly and that's just unimaginable in these parts of New England.

San Diego, on the other hand, has had Dan Fouts for as long as I can remember. Bolts beat Buff.

SS: Pittsburgh at Baltimore -- Kyle Boller vs. Tommy Maddox. A quarterback match-up that makes guys like Ron Jaworski and Steve Sabol drool. Can your hear the NFL Films tape of this game? "Kyle Boller battled the elements like a true warrior. He haunted the Steelers like the Raven Lenore haunted the poet Poe. He did all he could, but alas, his counterpart stood stronger in this clash of titans. Tommy Maddox directed his men down the field like Eisenhower led his men on the beaches of France. When the dust cleared, Maddox's efficient 7-24 performance was enough to claim a 16-10 victory that would vault the Steelers past the Axis powers --the Baltimore Ravens."

Oakland at Washington -- Back in my younger days, I was a sports free agent. I was not raised to be a Pats fan so my half-brother, who lives
in Northern Virginia, tried to turn me into a Redskins fan. I knew more
about John Riggins than Bill Parcells or Drew Bledsoe at that time. His
efforts, though genuine, were ultimately unsuccessful. The Bledsoe
comeback against the Vikings in 1994 turned me into a Pats fan. I think
I made the right choice. I don't mind seeing the 'Skins win and I
wouldn't mind a win here against a team and a fan base that can't
get over the Snow Bowl. They had their chance to win that and they lost. They had a chance to win the Super Bowl and got massacred. They will lose this one too.

CF: New York Jets-Denver -- We're going out of business folks! Take an additional 20 percent of all green tag items! Everything must go! We're clearing out room for the 2006 Dave Doyles and we're slicing and dicing these prices. Like a slightly used Stephen Sears, regularly $75 per story; new price: free! Come on dooooooooooown!

Philadelphia-New York Giants -- I got nothing to say on this one and my dog is walking dangerously close to my laptop keys, so I'll let him handle this one. His name's Boo in case you wanna say hi.

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(Dave's World interjects: See, one might take a pick like this as a hint that Chris is tanking it this week, but to me, the giveaway is that he has yet to even muster his weekly "Doyle always gives me the lousiest games" gripe).

DD: New Orleans at New England -- If you're driving up or down the great state of Rhode Island on I-95, like, say, if you're going to or from Foxwoods, you'll see a sign that says "International Scholar-Athlete Hall of Fame" at the same exit as the esteemed U of R.I. This always intrigues me, on two fronts -- 1. What in the hell is the IS-AHOF, and 2. Why is it at URI and not, say, Princeton or Stanford? Anyway, on one sleep-deprived road trip, I decided the place should be named after the most famous URI scholar-athlete of recent vintage, so these days I refer to it as "The Lamar Odom International Scholar-Athlete Hall of Fame." Oh yeah, and, Pats win.

Seattle at San Francisco -- So after my tirade about Seattle and the monorail last week, I got a couple "dude, why do you hate Seattle?" emails. Not true. Here is a partial list of things I am going to miss about the Emerald City: Easy Street Records; Alki Beach; Green Lake; the guys and gals at Uptown Espresso on Erskine, who are the best baristas in the whole damn city; "sunbreaks"; Vancouver being a day trip away; Katie Downs pizza in Tacoma; going to Mariners games on a sunny summer afternoon; downtown Olympia; the Seahawks' inevitable late-season collapse during the rare seasons they seem to have any potential; I could go on and on.

Colleges

SO'N: Washington State at Washington -- "Legendary" Washington coach Don James once opined, "Going to Washington State prepares you well for life in that you learn not to expect much." Well, Don James was a dirty cheater and was replaced by a loser (Jim Lambright) who was then replaced by a dirty cheater (Rick Neuheisel) who was then replaced by a loser (Keith Gilbertson) who was then replaced by Tyrone Willingham. The trend would say otherwise, but I am betting Willingham is not a cheater.

(D's W interjects: And let this serve notice to all commies, pinkos, and other undesirables lurking in Northern Idaho: Now that he no longer has a forum for football picks as his hobby, SO'N will no doubt return to his favorite pastime. "Hunting season" is about to begin.)

CF: Boston College-Maryland -- We have a freelancer at work who bought this hideous orange sweatshirt with Maryland written across the front. Now, without fail, people walk up to him when he's wearing it and ask, "When did the Terps change their color to orange?" The freelancer used to chuckle at the joke, now you can tell he's regretting the whole purchase.

What does this have to do with anything? Nothing at all. Did I
mention we're going out of business here at Dave's World?! You want a
real pick, don't come to a lame-duck blog.

DS: Auburn-Alabama -- The luster of this one was taken away by LSU last weekend. But the luster of this one can never be taken away.

I've been doing some research for a book project I'm helping out on and the happy offshoot has been a chance to re-read Warren St. John's, "Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer." It's also given me cause to get a first read of Allen Barra's, "The Last Coach." Both books' authors would be much more qualified to assess this tussle.

Instead, Doyle gives you me.

And I give you, Auburn for the win.

Lastly, let's all wish all-time Good Guy, Dave Doyle, the best of luck in his next endeavor. Put the guy on a bigger stage and the stage will thank you for it –- trust me.

(CUE: Sappy, sentimental, PBS music. BEGIN crying. Fade to Black.)

(D's W: Clearly, DS is referring to a different Dave Doyle here).

DD: Ohio State-Michigan -- Any college football aficionado worth his salt knows Cumberland College's contribution to the sport. That was the team that lost in the most one-sided CFB game ever, a 220-0 decision against Georgia Tech in 1916. Rumor has it that Cumby will be playing the Indianapolis Colts next year. Anyway, I bring this up because the record is going to fall this weekend -- that is, if Ohio State bothers showing up. Because the Buckeyes just have zero chance of winning. They don't belong on the same field as the Wolverines. Block your children's eyes, because this one is going to get ugly in a hurry. (Note: The fact my new boss is a Michigan grad did not in any way influence this pick).