Football Thursday
In Dave's World's continuing efforts to shine the spotlight on the guys and gals in the newsroom who don't usually get to take a bow, this week's celebrity guest panelist is the intern -- the fresh-faced, eager-beaver college kid willing to be subjected to all manner of humiliation in order to prove himself worthy of The Sacred Honor of making roughly the same pay upon graduation as the guy operating the fry machine at Mickey D's.
And this is no ordinary intern -- this is Steve Sears, a long-running character in Dave's World and a co-op at The Boston Globe, which means, of course, he likely already has extensive experience picking football games. Steve joins the weekly roundtable -- consisting of Lindy's College Basketball magazine senior editor Shawn O'Neal, the Fitchburg (MA) Sentinel's Chris Forsberg, sports media critic Dave "his scoops don't count because he's only a blogger" Scott, and your generally frazzled West Seattle host.
On to the picks:
SO'N: Green Bay at Minnesota -- In another round of bad press for the Minnesota Vikings, coach Mike Tice arrived at his Eden Prairie office this morning to discover the team's headquarters picketed by some 500 members of the Greater Minnesota Fleshtrade Union. The demonstration was in protest of the Vikings' reported use of Atlanta hookers for their Lake Minnetonka orgy. "It's bad enough that in trading Randy Moss we lost several good-paying jobs a week," Guild president Stan Schoenfeld said. "But to outsource a job of this magnitude, well, Minnesota's hos take a backseat to nobody and it's time the Vikings supported the home team." In what was viewed as a gesture of good faith to the picketing sex workers — though was more likely a statement on his team — the soon-to-be-unemployed Tice said, "nobody blows like Minnesota."
Dallas at Seattle —- I picked Dallas to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl this year, largely because I know nothing about the NFL and have
a non-gay man-crush on Drew Bledsoe, who quarterbacked my alma mater to heights no Washington State Cougar had seen in many years. Yes, I'm talking about the late, lamented Weiser Lock Copper Bowl. Last year, Dallas pulled off a comeback in Quest Field that was among the most improbable of the season ... except that it happened against Seattle, which made it almost banal in its predictability. Now, with Bledsoe, Dallas won't need no stinkin' comeback. The Pokes are bringing the D these days and the Seahawks secondary was no great shakes before their starting free safety took up residence in the ICU. It's a big game, so naturally, the Hawks lose.
New York Jets at Atlanta —- You know what makes college football
great? In college, when you lose the first two QBs on your depth
chart, the third guy is often some pimple-faced freshman just a year
removed from high school. The possibilities are seemingly endless. In
the NFL you get Vinny Testaverde, presumably because Boomer Esiason
was busy. A week after he absorbed more hits than Whitney Houston's
bong, Testaverde will be back under center, but this time that center
will not be Kevin Mawae, who had started the past 177 games. Oh yeah,
Ty Law is probably out, too. The Jets considered simply not showing
up for this one, but since it's on Monday night they feared the rest
of the country might actually notice.
Steve S.: Buffalo at Oakland -- You may think I'm a lowly intern not worthy of picking games on the greatest blog in the world and you'd be right. But I have a lot of experience watching crappy high school football back in Cranston, R.I. And the NFL this year hasn't been much different. Everyone is at 3-3 or 2-3 it seems. For this game, the quarterbacks are Kelly and Kerry. That says it all. I was raised on the TV show Saved by the Bell which had a cheerleader named Kelly Kapowski. I'll go with the Bills.
Kansas City at Miami -- Patriots fans should know what a tough place this is for any visitor. The Fins have already downed the Broncos and the Panthers at Pro Player or whatever it's called nowadays. I don't see it ending up any different for the Chiefs. By the way, this game will have to suffice for Pats fans during the off-week. Well, the ones without satellite TV that is, which basically leaves me and MC Hammer. At least I get to see CSI: Miami promos for three hours.
(Dave's World interjects: Great. Now I have that Coke (or was it Pepsi) commercial in my head where Hammer takes a big swig of cola and then looks at the camera and pronounces: "Proper." Thanks for nothing, Steve).
Baltimore at Chicago -- Duane Starks played for Baltimore during its Super Bowl season. He scored a touchdown in Super Bowl XXXV. He joined the Cardinals in 2002. That should have been our hint. He is football's version of John "Way-back" Wasdin. I think Mama Cass (God rest her soul) could scorch him for a 70-yard touchdown at this point. I blame Baltimore. Da Bears will carry some of the White Sox mojo and beat the Ravens this week. (See, don't I sound like a veteran football commentator now? No mention of actual football-related information, just some bits of trivial info and some random references culminating in a pick with no real thought behind it. I'm just one of the guys now.)
DS: Indianapolis at Houston -- This is very good –- Doyle's got to insert a pithy Peyton factoid along with this pick so I can keep it short and sweet and his words will have to fill the quota. I mean really –- what can you say about a team that spots the Rams 17 points and then beats them going away? We're taking the Colts forever more until Marvin, Edge and P-Mann are gone. Including the next several Pats game. And now, for your Peyton potshot –- take it away Mr. Dave's World. . .
(Potshots, DS, potshots? No potshots here, just the facts. This week's Peyton Manning Fun Fact is that when you Google "Peyton Manning," "Patriots," and "interceptions," the hit count is 78,500, though it is unclear if that number reflects the number of articles which reference the terms, or Peyton's actual career interception count against the Pats.)
Pittsburgh-Cincinnati -- If I'm starting a fantasy football team today, I'm taking Tommy Maddox with my very first pick.
Here's my reasoning: I hate fantasy football. If I'm going to something I hate, I'm going to at least have fun with it. So I take the biggest train wreck on the board and petition the imaginary fantasy league's commissioner to include Maddox's game stats from last week so that I can prove my hatred of fantasy football to my entire fellow, fake, and fantasy friends. "See, here's his stats to prove it!"
Who makes two turnovers in overtime? I'll tell you who: My fantasy QB –- Tommy Gun.
Tommy Done, that is. Ben will be back and so will the Steelers.
San Francisco at Washington -- Does anybody know if the old San Fran PR guy, Kirk Reynolds, got a job yet? He was such a misunderstood genius. I feel for the PR guys like that -– constrained by the whims and agendas of politically correct dolts.
We're reminded of Reynolds as the Inners take on the 'Skins, because it was brought to our attention this week of just how fractured the relationship between Skin solon Daniel Snyder and the Washington Post has become. Give Kirk a week in DC and it would all be lovey-dovey, we assure you.
Skins win, by the way. And somewhere, Howard Bryant of the Boston Herald watches his future beat and wonders: They must ALL do steroids, huh?. . .
CF: San Diego at Philadelphia -- How would you like to be A.J. Feeley? You're stuck as the No. 3 QB in Miami, but you gotta figure you at least have a shot to earn a starting job being stuck behind Gus Frerotte and Sage Rosenfels. Then you get traded -— for a guy named Cleo Lemon, no less -— to back up Drew Brees and Philip Rivers, which guarantees you'll be holding a clipboard the rest of the year. Well, I guess it could be worse. You could be former Chargers guard Toniu Fonoti and get traded to the circus that is the Minnesota Vikings organization for a seventh-round draft pick. Roster moves aside, Chargers roll this week.
Denver at N.Y. Giants -- Denver quarterback Jake Plummer evidently has a thing for alliteration girls. Whether it's leaving obscenity-laced tirades on the voicemail of Rocky Mountain News gossip columnist Penny Parker, or dating Broncos cheerleader Kollette Klassen. And while we're here, is there a couple that's more cut out for the adult movie industry than Plummer and Klassen. I mean, she's already got the perfect screen name, while he's nicknamed Jake the Snake and even has the mustache to boot. Think they could work in a cameo for Rod Smith?
New Orleans at St. Louis -- When the Rams took a 17-0 lead over Indy on Monday night, I had this exchange with a friend.
Friend: "St. Louis looks like it might win one for the Gipper. Too
bad they probably hate the Gipper.
Me: "Yeah, I fully expect them to give this game away any second.
Indy still might cover the spread."
Sure enough, the Colts scored 42 points in about a 17-second span in
the second half. Marc Bulger looked like he wanted to physically
attack Jamie Martin at one point. Remember when this offense was the
greatest show on turf? No wonder Martz has heart troubles.
At least the Rams play New Orleans this week. America sure bailed on
the Saints bandwagon. It's just so difficult to root for a bad team,
homeless or not.
DD: Detroit at Cleveland -- If I was a 13-year old girl, I bet I'd think Joey Harrington would make for some sort of dreamboat perfect cuddly harmless boyfriend, the same way my sister fell in love with Joey McIntryre of the New Kids on the Block at a similar age. I am not, however, a 13-year old girl, and Harrington, as far as I know, is a professional quarterback, and when guys can see that a quarterback would look better suited to life in a boy band, that probably means there is trouble ahead. Like, when Joey has to face a Romeo Crennel defense. Or any NFL defense. Or a Temple defense. OK, maybe not a Temple defense, but you get the point.
Tennessee at Arizona -- Seriously, though, just how bad is Temple? I watched the first quarter of the Owls' game against Miami last Saturday because there was nothing better on. Time of possession: Temple, nearly 12 minutes, Miami, just over three. Score at the end of the first: Miami 27, Temple 0. Miami went up 34-0 in the second quarter and called off the dogs at that point, otherwise the final score could have been … well, Temple lost to Bowling Green, 70-7, so you can imagine what Miami could have done. Now, if you could take the "L" out of "Temple," an admittedly far-fetched task with this year's squad, and you get "Tempe," home of the Cardinals, the Temple of the NFL. Tennessee won't pull a Miami-Temple job on the Cardinals. More like a Western Michigan-Temple, which was a 19-16 Western Michigan win on the heels of a 12-game WMU losing streak.
COLLEGES
SO'N: USC at Washington -— After winning what many an observer has
breathlessly called "one of the greatest games ever," this would be a
prime spot for the Trojans to stumble. There's just one problem with
that scenario -- the Huskies are unspeakably horrible. Matt Leinart
could show up high, drunk, crippled, lobotomized and in drag and
still lead SC past the Huskies. Reggie Bush could wear flip-flops and
still break a couple of long runs. Pete Carroll could go mute and
still have more colorful things to say in the post-game presser than
Tyrone Willingham. USC's song girls could show up with armpit hair
and cigarettes dangling from their lips and still be hotter than UW's
cheerleaders. USC goes big, 42-7 ... and then the second half starts.
Steve-O: Northeastern at UNH -- Why are we picking a game no one cares about here at Dave's World? Because good old' Dave knows I happen to attend Northeastern and figures this is the extent of my college football knowledge. I live about two minutes from Northeaster's field and have yet to see a game. Anyway, all I know is the Huskies have given up about 3,000 points this season and are now playing Ricky Santos and the explosive UNH Wildcats. I've been to UNH once. I saw about ten arrests in three minutes. Crazy place. When all is said and done, UNH will score about 40-50 and win this one easily.
CF: Tennessee at Alabama -- Just how far has this rivalry fallen? Well, the "Third Saturday in October" game isn't even taking place on the third Saturday in October (the 22nd is actually the fourth Saturday). I feel cheated. I feel violated. But not quite as much as all the folks in Alabama who got snitched on by Tennessee coach Phillip Fulmer. One of these days the Tide are going to extract a measure of revenge, so why not the Fourth Saturday in October.
DS: Texas Tech-Texas -- No matter how good USC-ND was last week. And no matter how much Reggie Bush showed us in that bahnbuhner, we're still Vince Young supporters. His initials are VY and every Longhorn knows you can't spell Victory with out a "v" and a "y." And truth be told, I gave Vince the edge way back when the beach was still attracting more than dogs and seagulls. I've never been ahead of the curve on any Heisman candidate. One year, I actually thought a kid from Wyoming was gonna get it. Marcus Harris was the name. Never heard form him again after I left Laramie – and neither did the nation.
Vince is legit, though. Texas rolls from here on out. (Not including, as of this point, the pseudo-title game.)
DD: Rutgers-UConn -- Continuing with my little personal theme of awful college football, OK, so, is this year's Big East the worst so-called major football conference in history? (I said major. The MAC does not count.) Ponder this one: So some outstanding team ranked around No. 10 or so is going to end up shut out in the Bowl Championship Series picture, and as we head into late October, Rutgers is in the hunt for the Big East title and the league's BCS berth. Rutgers! Go ahead, say that in your best Jim Mora "Playoffs?!?!?!" voice: Rutgers?!?!?! And Rutgers is only marginally better than its usual three-month stinkfest this year. Now, all this talk is going to end when UConn -- which will serve as the model on how to go about making the jump from Division 1-AA to 1-A for about the next 50 years or so -- beats the Scarlet out of the Knights, but still -- Rutgers!?!?!?!
Assorted football links
posted by Dave Doyle @ 1:20 AM
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