Football Thursday
Last week, we had the guy who does the scoreboard page for the New York Post as the Dave's World Wiseguys Celebrity Guest Panelist. This time, we bring along another under-appreciated but pivotal member of any major sports page staff: The high school sports editor.
The city of Boston has two of the very best in the biz -- Bob Holmes at the Globe, and Jim Clark at the Herald, who capably fills a spot formerly occupied by Holmesy. Today, we welcome Clarkie aboard with the gang: Shawn O'Neal, Dave Scott, Chris Forsberg, and yours truly.
On to the picks:
SO'N: St. Louis at Indianapolis -- In deference to our (hopefully) medicated friend who wrote in, telling us all to back off Poor Peyton, I decided to dedicate this space to discussion of all national championships (at any level) won by The Great One. (Cue chirping crickets) Now that that's over, let's talk briefly about why it's so easy to poke fun at Manning. It's ESPN's fault. Really. The great myth-makers at the Worldwide Leader pump him up like Macy's Parade balloon and we're all supposed to climb aboard the Magical Mystery Tour bus with him, "T.O." and Kobe. Screw that. He directed the Tennessee band in playing "Rocky Top," but Tee Martin won the national title. In the NFL, he's Dan Fouts. He's Dan Marino. In other words, he's brilliant, but he's no Terry Bradshaw, Joe Montana, Brett Favre, John Elway or, yup, Tom Brady. He's not a legend. Not yet, anyway. But, he wins big on Monday.
(And here's this week's Peyton Manning Fun Fact: Peyton threw four interceptions against the Patriots in the AFC title game in January, 2004. Afterwards, the Colts complained about the big, mean Patriots, so the league made special rules to make football easier for soft players who don't like getting hit. The result? The Colts scored three points against the Patriots in last year's playoffs. Maybe they'll ban football in bad weather next year).
New York Jets at Buffalo -- It's the Break-even Bowl, with one of these teams getting back to .500 for what figures to be the last time this
season. One of the most enjoyable phenomena for jaded sports writers is eternal hope: Mocking it, that is. Jets fans, for instance, seemingly think every year is "their year." It's kind of like a geeky sports writer thinking that the NBA dance team member jiggling about just five feet from him "wants it." Well, sports writers never get dance team members -- we don't even get their friend with the facial-hair problem -- and the Jets will again have to contact Mike Tice for Super Bowl tickets. Most Maytags are more mobile than Viagra Vinny, but I'll take him any day over J.P. Losman.
Clarkie: New York Giants at Dallas -- Ahhh, the legendary Parcells roaming the sidelines. Bledsoe throwing passes to Glenn. Meggett returns the punt for a score. Drew hits Coates for the game-winning TD. … Oops, sorry, I was watching my tape of that great Pats second-half comeback in the Meadowlands in '96. Hoping it would help me forget how much I hate the Cowboys. And how I hate even more that Boston viewers are force-fed the Giants every week, like anyone under 60 cares. But I might watch anyway. Maybe Tiki Barber will punch Keyshawn. Someone will win, probably 13-10.
Atlanta "at" New Orleans -- I'm a sucker for wacky stats. Remember that old one about a dome team never reaching the Super Bowl, which has foiled every "glamour" team in existence except the Kurt Warner-led Rams? Well, how's this for a juicy nugget? No dome team has ever beaten another dome team in a dome that neither technically calls its home field. Of course, I have no idea what to make of that. So I e-mailed my friend Rob, who has lived in both cities in the past year. His take: "Aaron Brooks sucks." Good enough for me. Pick: Falcons.
Carolina at Detroit -- Just noticed that DD gave me all NFC teams. I mean, how am I supposed to know anything about the Lions? They're on TV once a year, on Thanksgiving Day, when I'm going out of my mind trying to chase down the Bishop Stang-Greater New Bedford score. Does Greg Landry still play for them? Dexter Bussey? Thank goodness for the NFL Network On Demand mini-games. I just clicked on and watched the Lions thoroughly destroy Baltimore last week. Which means everyone thinks they've finally turned the corner. Which means they will get pounded Sunday. Some things never change. Pick: Panthers.
Dave S: Miami at Tampa Bay -- Cousin Dave (brother of Cousin Bill) lives in Tampa. I visited once and the most vivid moments of the trip were discovering Winky Wright and an inordinate amount of pressed Cuban sandwiches consumed. I believe there might have been an old-school WWF wrasslin’ match between Cousin Dave’s Son, Mikey and myself as well. Mikey could sure take a heart punch –- and he was like 4 at the time.
There -- 67 words and I still haven’t had to mention this game, which, for all we know at this time of the season, could be a Super Bowl preview. Or, it could be the audition tape for Florida’s third best team (after Florida State and Jacksonville).
Ricky’s back. Time for “puffs of smoke” jokes when he gains a few yards.
We’ll go with the Fins for the humor it will all provide.
Cincinnati at Tennessee -- Someone needs to explain the Bengals’ sleeve design to me. I get so focused on the swirls and merging black, Bengal stripes that I wind up missing half of each play. Carson Palmer’s swirls, in particular, had me nauseous this past Sunday night. And that was before any of the Sunday night sports re-cap shows had invaded the viewing room at the Seaside Shanty (The Sports Machine Can Not be Killed. Ever.)
That leads me to this: Is Eddie George still in the league? I seem to recall him being someone I enjoyed watching.
No more though -- now I’m swirled in to the ‘Gals. Go with the ‘Gals over the ‘Tans!
Minnesota at Chicago -- El Duque comes in just after the half, throws for three touchdowns, runs for one and kicks a field goal to account for all the meaningful scoring in the Bears rout. Chicago rejoices in finding their “Next Jordan.” He then returns to Fenway to kick dirt in the Red Sox faces just a few more times, before arriving in Anaheim to close out the Angels.
CF: Houston at Seattle -- I pulled the shortest straw, so I get to break down the Seattle-Houston tilt. So, um... yeah... how about that David Carr. Um... sure has been sacked a lot, huh. Um... I bet the Seattle defensive line is licking its chops right now. Um... man this is uncomfortable. Did someone turn the heat on in the room? So... Mike Holmgren. He um, he um, he won a Super Bowl, right? Yeah. Good times. Seattle wins.
Cleveland at Baltimore -- Hey remember when that guy Forsberg picked the Ravens to be in the Super Bowl? Jackass. Blah, blah, blah... Jamal Lewis is going to run all over people. How's that working out for ya?
But seriously, 21 penalties last week (one short of the NFL record) and two ejections!? "Passion, emotion and intensity are good, but they've always got to be under control," says Brian Billick as the inmates threaten to take over the asylum. And for the love of God, coach, stop letting Anthony Wright throw the ball 37 times a game. Give the ball to Jamal! It's the only way the Ravens win this week.
New England at Denver -- The Patriots jump out to a three-touchdown lead en route to a big win. But just when you think there's no reason to watch this laugher, the newly emotional Bill Belichick (the same one who threw his headset in the air after beating the Falcons last week) wanders over to a CBS camera, picks up one of those sideline phones and screams, "Someone call the National Guard because we are killing the Broncos." Which is immediately followed by a cut to the NFL Today studio were a flummoxed Shannon Sharpe stares blankly into the camera as Belichick flips him off.
DD: San Diego at Oakland -- I've had Going to California by Led Zeppelin in my head for no good reason all week. That doesn't help me pick a winner in this game, so I'm going to put all four CDs from the Zep box set in the changer and put it on random and see what comes up. Hmm. Trampled Under Foot. That might apply to the Colts whenever they play the Pats. The Song Remains the Same. Nope, we're not talking about the nonstop Peyton hype here. Hey, Hey, What Can I Do. Sounds like Peyton when he blames everyone but himself whenever the Colts lose a big one. Dazed and Confused. There we go! Could be a bad Randy Moss joke, could be what the Raiders will be after LaDainian runs all over them. (Or it could be Peyton after Willie McGinest hits him). Either way, take your pick.
Jacksonville at Pittsburgh -- Imagine if Boston Bruins fans went around bragging all the time and acting like tough guys because of the Stanley Cups they won in the 1970s. And imagine they pointed with pride to the endless sea of division title banners hanging from the rafters, as though they actually mean anything in 20005. Basically, they'd be the hockey version of Steelers fans, who still don't grasp their day came and went a quarter-century ago, Pittsburgh is 3-1, so they're a win or two from popping off all over again. And the Steelers are going to win, Big Ben or no, so get ready.
Washington-Kansas City -- ESPN's John Clayton has declared the Redskins the real deal. The last proclamation I remember hearing from John Clayton was back in 2003, when he declared the Bills the best team in the AFC after they started the season 2-0. This was right around the time the Worldwide Leader decided to simply air nonstop screaming opinions 24-7 at the exclusion of everything else, and everything started blurring together unless it is particularly ridiculous, like the one about Randy Johnson winning 30 games this year, in which case you're not being remembered for the right reasons. Now where was I going with this before I started rambling? Oh yeah. So John says the Redskins are the real deal. Good enough for me. Also, Randy Johnson will win 40 games next year.
COLLEGES
Clarkie: Michigan State at Ohio State -- There is a guy who used to work for me who says he's a big Buckeyes fan … which is OK, except for the fact that he also seems to root for everyone else on the planet, as well. The other day one of his current co-workers relayed that he said, "I always liked the (St. Louis) Cardinals." Well, I hate the Buckeyes and the way they call themselves "THE" Ohio State University. Just like I loathe how others try to call my alma mater "UMass-Amherst." Sorry, but we're UMass, you're not. For one week, DD, you're outnumbered here. Pick: Michigan State.
CLARKIE'S BONUS HIGH SCHOOL SELECTION: Canton over North Attleboro -- I always wondered how cool it would make me feel to pick a team that should be a seven-touchdown favorite* to lose in print. I was hoping for something like Somerville over Everett, but alas, Everett is on a bye this week, which in 21st century Greater Boston League parlance is essentially the same thing.
(*Note: not an official point spread, though I'm sure one exists somewhere if you look hard enough.)
DS: USC-Notre Dame -- Wow. There’s so many Boston story angles to this one, it’s quite possible the Boston Globe will be chartering a plane to South Bend. Imagine the list of Globies that could find some plausible reason to be in the Home of the Irish for this one. Here’s the team I would send: Bob Ryan (column); Mark Blaudschun (gamer); Jackie Mack (scene-setter centerpiece for Sunday’s page); Ron Borges (the NFL angle); Bill Griffith (behind the production).
Overkill? Maybe. But this game has that potential to re-ignite some long-dormant college football flames beneath even this stodgy region. (Remember, ESPN started daily coverage from both campuses on Monday.)
That’s what the Globe can do: they can make a story important if they attack it the right way.
Oh, wait. This isn’t Scott’s Shots, is it? I’m lost. Sorry.
Take the ex-Pats HEAD coach for the win, but take the ‘over’ as well.
SO'N: Florida at LSU -- A typical early-season call to Urban Meyer's weekly television show: "Coach Meyer, I'd first of all like to welcome you
to Gator Nation. I have a 16-year-old daughter and would consider it immaculate conception if you would father her child. Also, do you think we will find success with the zone blitz against Kentucky? I will hang up and listen to your answers on the tee-vee. Go Gators!" The Gainesville honeymoon's not quite over for Meyer -- he can thank Ron Zook for that -- but let's just say the bags are packed and the
concierge is waiting for his tip. LSU rolls.
CF: Mass. Maritime at Worcester Stare -- Let me tell you, they just don't get any BIGGER than this! We've got a monster Bogan Division battle on tap as the Buccaneers travel to meet the Lancers in a New England Football Conference blockbuster on the turf at John F. Coughlin Field. I spent a couple hours breaking down the film on winless Maritime, and let me tell you, don't sleep on the Bucs. They've got a 5-foot-9, 185-pound running back with 4.8 speed that might light Division 3 on FIRE! The Lancers meanwhile counter with some freshmen that coach Brian Cullen assures me could have been Division 1-A players if Division 1-A coaches recruited talent based on the SPARQ rating system and not whether a kid actually has talent.
Yes, I knew the Bogan Division and team nicknames off the top of my head. What's it to ya? And in the interest of full disclosure, I'm marrying a Lancer, and just about all my good friends except Doyle dated a Worcester State girl at one time or another.
(Dave's World interjects: Well, there's a reason for this. I don't live in Worcester).
DD: Wisconsin at Minnesota -- So when I got to Idaho last weekend, the woman at the front desk of the motor inn at which I was staying informed me I was being bumped out of the room I had originally reserved. But she excitedly told me I was staying in the Jim Croce Suite. You had to see the JCS to believe it. It had red shag carpeting, a clear lamp filled with Christmas ornaments, and, indeed, Jim Croce once stayed in the room and autographed one of the walls. It was in this room that I learned that Minnesota won back the Little Brown Jug, the oldest prize in a Division 1-A football rivalry, when the Gophers (who will defeat Wisconsin) beat Michigan last week. Coincidentally, little brown jugs are what are used in Idaho in lieu of indoor plumbing.
Assorted football links
posted by Dave Doyle @ 12:35 AM
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