The Mexican Wrestling All-Scholastics
Originally, this was going to be called "A viewer's guide to CMLL." Then I realized I am likely the only non-Spanish speaker in America making a regular habit of watching CMLL wrestling on Galavision every weekend, so I'd basically be writing this for myself.
Yet, I know a decent amount of Dave's World readers slog through the occasional Mexican wrestling material here anyway, even if it is something akin to gawking at a car wreck.
And that's OK with me. Some people got into this business to be the next Red Smith, Will McDonough, or Jeff Sullivan. I, for one, hold out hope that one day, I will walk down the street, and people across the way will nudge their friends and say "hey, look over there ... there goes the Peter Gammons of Lucha Libre."
Anyway, here's basically the lowdown on anybody you'll ever need to know in the world of the Consejo Mundial de Lucha Libre. Even if you never watch it in your life, you'll at least have a vague idea what I am rambling about when I go off on my Mexican wrestling tangents.
This is loosely modeled after the high school sports All-Scholastic pages of your local newspaper. I must confess I have not looked into the academic credentials of the following grapplers, which makes this roughly the same as most All-Scholastic compilations.
The Dave's World Mexican Wrestler of the Year: Shocker
Shocker is basically a Latino version of the wrestler Sting, from the blond hair to the face paint to the long tights, and he's all fire in the ring like Sting in his heyday.
But that's not what makes Shocker the Dave's World Mexican Wrestler of the Year. No, what puts Shocker over the top is that he is accompanied to the ring by the greatest companion in the history of wrestling. Better than Captain Lou Albano, better then Elizabeth, better than The Fashion Plate of Wrestling Fred Blassie. Indeed, Shocker is seconded at all times by a midget in a gorilla suit.
Whoever came up with this idea is truly a genius among men. Someone in the office apparently thought "We just don't quite have enough histrionics with all these guys in masks and flashy outfits jumping around. Let's find a midget and throw him into the middle of the bedlam. Better yet, let's dress him like a gorilla!! We can have him follow Shocker around!!" Just inspired thinking.
At first, the sight of Shocker and the simian is jarring, but after a few weeks, he blends in with the scenery, and the phrase "Oh hey, here comes Shocker and his midget gorilla friend," seems as ordinary as "Doug Mirabelli is Tim Wakefield's catcher," or "Drew Bledsoe is playing for Bill Parcells again."
The gorilla invariably gets ensnared in some sort of misadventure every time he steps in the ring. In the few months I've been watching, he's been spanked, whipped, tossed under the ring, punted, and kissed by women and men alike. And he dishes out punishment of his own when he gets the chance. Shocker tends to have his hands full in the ring going against main-event competition, but I've never seen him get angry at his little buddy for the diversions he tends to cause. Truly a legendary pairing.
(Below ... Shocker celebrates his Copa CMLL victory over Dr. Wagner Jr. at Arena Mexico along with his midget gorilla manager, his fan club, and a tall person of indeterminate gender.)
The Dave's World Super Team
Dr. Wagner Jr. -- Based on fan reaction and the fact it seems about half the crowd is wearing Wagner masks on any given week at Arena Mexico, I think he's the ass-kicking bad guy turned good guy because the crowd loves his aggression. Sort of like Stone Cold Steve Austin, except with a mask and a goofy singlet. If Jim Ross was the announcer, he'd say "Dr. Wagner Jr. could main event in any building in the world." Wagner is the current NWA light heavyweight champion and UWA heavyweight champion. Oh yeah, his dad was Dr. Wagner Sr., but you probably already figured that out.
Ultimo Guerrero -- Easily the best pure in-the-ring performer in Mexico. Guerrero has it all. Can adapt to any style wrestler and have a good-to-great match. Leader of Los Guerreros Del Infierno, the current red-hot bad-guy crew. Guerrero holds the CMLL light heavyweight belt.
Rey Bucanero -- Guerrero's main sidekick. Pretty much the Arn Anderson of the group, no nonsense and all action. Doesn't get hyped as much, just does a solid job.
Mistico -- If you've been following Dave's World any length of time, you've heard me jibber-jabber about the sensational Mistico. Mistico is half the size of everyone else in the group, an awesome high-flyer in the mold of Rey Mysterio who can also do the mat-wrestling-type stuff. All the kiddies in the crowd wear Mistico masks. Mistico is the NWA middleweight champ. I'm pretty sure everyone in Mexican wrestling holds at least one title.
Negro Casas -- Casas is the Ric Flair of the bunch, the longtime vet who used to be the unquestioned king. Even though he's slowed a half-step he can still bring it on a nightly basis, unlike many old-timers the promoters continue to shove down the audience's throats, who need walkers to get to the ring. Casas is the CMLL middleweight champion. Casas is about 50 pounds heavier than NWA middie kingpin Mistico, leading one to believe the authorities are a tad lax in enforcing weight-class limits.
Super Team: Tag team division
Averno y Mephisto -- Every wrestling promotion has that one tag team that is heads and tails above everyone else, that has been teaming forever and has the moves and timing down perfectly, like The British Bulldogs in the WWF in the 1980s. Averno and Mephisto are that duo in CMLL. Averno and Mephisto are CMLL tag champs; Mephisto holds the CMLL welterweight belt.
Los Perros del Mal: El Hijo del Perro Aguayo y Hector Garza -- Just your classic super-arrogant smug bad guy team. Aguayo is the son of Perro Aguayo, a Lucha legend whose stature is roughly similar to that of Bruno Sammartino. The crowd does not appreciate the son of the legend acting like a total brat. Either way, he's just loaded with cocky charisma, like Shawn Michaels. Garza looks nothing like he did years back in WCW -- his hair is short and he has a porn-star moustache now, plus he seems to have been hooked up with Jason Giambi's pharmacist. Basically does a Ravishing Rick Rude act. Put Aguayo and Garza together and you have a money-making tag team.
Various oddities
Super Porky -- Super Porky rocks. I've described him before. He's about 40 years old, 5-8, and I'll be damned if he ain't 350 pounds. One week he was teaming with Shocker and almost accidentally crushed the midget gorilla, but generally he just drops his gigantic ass on people the way Rikishi used to. Also, appears just infrequently enough to keep you from getting sick of his limited routine.
Felino -- A decent-enough performer with a terrible costume. Imagine Marty Jannety from the Rockers in the late 80s in his full neon get-up. Now put a cat-head mask on him, and make him a little too fat for the suit. That's Felino.
Maximo -- As near as I can tell, Maximo is some sort of super-effeminate Roman Centurion. In one match a couple weeks ago, in one of the rare times I actually wished I understood the commentary, one of the announcers came down from his spot in the booth and gave Maximo a rose during his match; Maximo was so taken by the gesture that he got distracted and lost his match.
Potential future All-Scholastics (AKA, the mid-card guys who don't get all that much TV time, but based on what I've seen probably should headline eventually): Safari; Doctor X; Neutron; Hooligan; Arkangel; Sangre Azteca.
(OK, so if you got through all this, have DirecTV, and have decided you simply must check this stuff out, Galavision is channel 404; and CMLL bounces between 11 a.m. and noon Pacific on Saturday and generally airs on 11 a.m. on Sundays, though the air time gets bounced around for soccer occasionally).
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