Football Thursday

This week, the Dave's World Wiseguys -- Schlitz' swillin' Shawn O'Neal; rabble-rousing Dave Scott; heterosexual male John Mayer fan Chris Forsberg; and your generally befuddled blogger -- are joined by a real-live Football Expert, Anthony Gimino. Anthony covers U. of Arizona athletics for the Tucson Citizen; is a certified bigshot with the Lindy's preview magazines; and is the former college football editor for Sportsline.com. He's also a lifelong Red Sox fan despite spending most of his life in Arizona.

On to the picks:

NFL

SO'N: Jacksonville-Indianapolis -- I'm a big fan of The Sporting News, so when I got my issue last week I rushed right to the john to read their Top 100 NFL players. The venue was appropriate. The top spot came down to Peyton Manning or Tom Brady. They picked Peyton Manning, based largely on his numbers. Now, I admit to not being the most astute of NFL observers, but I thought that Super Bowl thing I watch Tom Brady win seemingly every winter was pretty important. But that's months away and since this is a meaningless mid-September game, that means only one thing. Yup, it's Manning time!

(Dave D. interjects: And here is this week's Dave's World Peyton Manning Fun Fact: Did you think the Patriots are Peyton's only daddies? Long before NFL pundits started ignoring all the losses to New England, there were the Florida Gators. Peyton's Tennessee Vols went 0-4 against Florida, including four first-half Peyton interceptions in a 35-29 loss in 1996. But, I'm sure the Gators DBs were clutching and grabbing the UT wideouts).

Kansas City-Oakland -- What's with the freaking Chiefs? Before going out and running over the Jets last Sunday, Larry Johnson reportedly tuned up his girlfriend when he was caught in a local bar with another woman. This was just the latest brush with the fuzz for Johnson and he's just the
latest Chief to visit the inside of a county facility in recent
months as Eric Warfield, Todd Collins, Lawrence Tynes, Junior Siavii
and Greg Wesley all have taken advantage of the NFL's Booking
Experience. With all these criminals, Oakland fans might have a hard
time deciding who to throw their urine on this week. When it's a game
of cons, gotta go with the pros -- gimme Oakland.

Philadelphia-San Francisco -- It's a damn shame that one team from the NFC West has to make the playoffs. It's the sole reason people were talking about the Arizona Cardinals as a possible surprise team. The Arizona Cardinals. THE ARIZONA FREAKING CARDINALS. The NFL should take a cue from the NCAA Tournament and force the winner of this division to play a qualifying game to gain actual admittance into the postseason. In the meantime, 0-1 Philadelphia is in a very bad mood and the San Francisco 49ers are simply very bad. Oh yeah, Terrell Owens takes on his former team. Has ESPN mentioned that?

AG: Washington-Dallas -- God, I'm getting old, because the first thing I Do when hearing Redskins-Cowboys is slip into Chris Berman mode and
conjure up memories of Chris Hanburger and Billy Kilmer, Golden Richards and Randy White. Speaking of old-timers ... I guess a 73-year-old Drew Bledsoe is better than a 65-year-old Mark Brunell. Washington couldn't even hit double-digits last week, so it'll be the Cowboys in one of those god-awful NFL low-scoring games. You know, the kind you get about eight of every week.

San Diego-Denver -- Chargers tight end Antonio Gates has become my favorite player (other than Marshall Faulk ... our host Dave could tell
you why if he didn't have a ban on discussing current and former fantasy
teams), if only because it gives my work life infinitesimal meaning after
editing about a billion words on college sports for The Sports Xchange. While furiously hitting the page down button (my chosen mode of, er, editing the MAC basketball file), there would always be nugget about the "burly Gates of Kent State." Makes me kind of feel like I knew him before all you Fantasy grabbers did. I feel special. Score twice Sunday, Antonio. For me.

(DD interjects: Grrrr ... nope, not taking the bait. I said "no fantasy talk," and I stand by it. As for the MAC, I certainly do not hit the "page down" button, AG ... I stop and edit out all the "MAC deserves seven NCAA bids"-type references. Two rules of thumb about the MAC: 1. Outside the Midwest, the country underrates it; 2. But not 1/10th as bad as MAC boosters overrate it.)

Pittsburgh-Houston -- For a guy who prefers the college pigskin
game, I still had a tough time with the Steelers new running back. OK, Obscure ACC Running Backs for $500 ... which NFL starter rushed for 181 yards as a senior in 2003? Couldn't have answered that last week, but any undrafted guy like Willie Parker who makes a mockery of the NFL's multi-million-dollar scouting machine -- and who will run for more than 100 yards again this week -- is just fine by me.

Dave S.: New England-Carolina -- Have I told you guys about the RV trip I once finagled from SPORT magazine back in the late-90s?

I should. But for now –- this one isolated, slo-mo memory: After a two-day stop at Clemson, the Shots-captained RV had to rise at some unpleasant hour (before 8 a.m., methinks) and travel the couple of hours (or it seemed) to Carolina’s stadium in Charlotte. It was not an easy morning, to say the least. There was an expense account abused to its fullest the night before and a pair of shredded shorts in my duffel bag.

Those two events might have been related.

The tent I (we?) slept in has not been habitable since. Carolina might have actually played that day –- I can’t be sure. I remember enjoying the stadium and its, ah, facilities. That’s what I think of anytime I see the Panthers.

Sometimes you just wonder: Why does he share these stories with us? And why does he waste our time?

No Kris Jenkins in the middle for the ‘Thers means Corey Dillon redeems himself from the lackluster opening night showing. (Look at us, criticizing our own running backs? Cocky bastards we are.) Pats by 10ish.

Baltimore-Tennessee -- We went over our (DD-mandated) 100-word limit by 70 on the previous pick so this one gets short shrift -– and deservedly so after the Ray Lewis Display of Sunday night. In my most cynical state I came up with this new sub-slogan for the NFL: “Come See Our Non-Convicted Killers Perform Lewd Dances in Pregame and Then Get Their Shaking Asses Handed to Them. Thank you.” Baltimore redeems (see a theme here?) itself with an ass-whoopin’ of their own.

St. Louis-Arizona -- This game will confuse my dad, The Baze, to no end. Fortunately The Baze hasn’t laid money on the pros since Kenny in Chelsea closed up shop back in the 80s. Just explaining the home-city travel patterns of these two franchises might take until after game time to explain to my old man. And he’d still pick the wrong team. Just like his son who, figuring Arizona can redeem itself from the Big Rout of last week, takes the Cards in a close one.

(DD: Since I'm stepping all over everyone else's picks this week, I may as well add my dad still calls the Colts "Baltimore.")

Forzy: Tampa Bay-Buffalo -- I asked a friend who is the starting Tampa Bay quarterback before the season began and he replied, "I dunno, Shaun King?" The point being that the Bucs are one more losing season away from having that Super Bowl title revoked and bringing back those light orange jerseys and helmets with the red, winking pirate. (The whole 2002 season was odd to begin with, but the Bucs winning a Super Bowl title just iced the cake). That being said, this team looked decent in beating the Vikings last week. Buffalo, meanwhile, settled for five field goals in its season-opening victory and field goals are not going to win you many games. On a positive note, we give Buffalo's uniforms a
thumbs up.

Jets-Miami -- On the heels of his six-fumble, three-sack, one-interception performance against a miserable Kansas City defense in Week 1, Chad Pennington heads into this game on a short leash. When Pennington fumbles on the opening series, Jets coach Herm Edwards will have no choice but to call the bullpen and the Miami sideline will gasp as former Dolphin Jay Fielder starts warming up. Fielder, despite a career of mediocrity, will enter and use his Dartmouth education to outsmart his former teammates, who are shockingly unable to rally
behind Gus Frerotte (no really, Gus Frerotte is an NFL starting
quarterback).

Minnesota-Cincinnati -- I'm not fortunate enough to have DirecTV, but I'm thoroughly enjoying the 10-minute game replays on the NFL Network -- On Demand. The best part is listening to the announcers from other cities. This week it was a toss-up between Minnesota and San Diego for the announcing team that was most despondent when their home team lost. The Minnesota color guy just kept moaning, "Oh no" as Carnell Williams broke the decisive 71-yard touchdown run in the fourth quarter of the Vikings' 24-13 loss to Tampa Bay. I'm rooting for Minnesota this week because I think one of these guy's heads might explode if they put up a ton of offense. I bet they have a whole pile of catchphrases ready to go. (However, don't be surprised to see Daunte Culpepper tank the season just so Chad Pennington can't steal that NFL fumble record Culpepper set a couple years back.)

DD: Atlanta-Seattle -- A couple friends of mine went to Seattle for a wedding a couple years back. In their spare time, they took a Safeco Field tour, and walked by Qwest Field. Their judgment on Qwest: "It looks like a giant vulva." Of this, I am not convinced, but I admit I don't exactly look for these type of things when I walk by stadia. Anyway, my head might explode thinking of all the possibilities for bad jokes about Qwest as The Big V, so I'll just say the Falcons win.

Giants-New Orleans -- Did I really see the Giants pile up a bunch of points on the Cardinals last week? Because it seems I've spent my entire life as a football fan turning on the TV hoping to see a good matchup in the second game of a CBS or FOX doubleheader, only to have the Boston affiliate stubbornly shove the Giants and Cardinals down viewers' throats, while the rest of the country watches something like Cowboys-Niners. And the score was perpetually 6-3 in the third quarter, or maybe 9-7. Anyway, no doubt about it, the Saints are America's Team this year and this is going to be road win No. 2 for our favorite vagabonds.

Cleveland-Green Bay -- I went with my friend Mark to the Red Sox-Orioles game in Baltimore on the Sunday night before the All-Star Break in 1996, the game in which Mo Vaughn hit a massive two-out, two-run homer in the ninth for a Sox win. Earlier in the game, Mark made a loud comment about how Cal Ripken needed to sit out awhile, figuring it would rile up the Baltimorons (is that what they're called? I dunno). Instead, a bunch of people turned around and nodded in agreement. I'm guessing the same is going to start happening soon in Green Bay with Brett Favre, but not this week. Sorry, Romeo.

Dave's World does not care about: Detroit-Chicago.

NFL scoreboard after Week 1: SO'N, CF, DS 2-1; DD 1-2.

COLLEGES

CF: Florida State-Boston College -- My buddy Adam Kurkjian and I love EA Sports' NCAA Football series of video games. A couple years back they finally included Division 1-AA schools like Northeastern (our alma mater) in the game, so we excitedly started a dynasty, thrust the Huskies into the ACC and slowly built a national champion (over like 47 years of tireless recruiting). The thing was, we always scheduled two cupcake non-conference games to start the season (Morgan State refused to play us after 36 consecutive beatings). So those first few years we'd go like 4-7 with two guaranteed wins and two flukes. Do you hear what I'm saying Boston College? Sure, you're no I-AA patsy jumping into the ACC fire, but suffice it to say that the Seminoles ain't exactly Rutgers. FSU wins.

(DD: No, the Forz wasn't getting off without some sort of comment. So, I can attest to the fact Chris is the most ruthless video game player of all-time. I'd be at his place at four in the morning, bleary-eyed, playing NHL. I'd be someone like the Red Wings or Avalanche and he'd be the Bruins, and he'd be winning 12-1 in the third and wouldn't let up. He'd still have his first line out there and wouldn't pull Byron Dafoe for Kay Whitmore. You're a pal, Chris.)

DS: Miami-Clemson -- Tying it all together for this week’s Scott’s Shots picks is the fact that this one will be played just down the road from the Esso Club on the campus of leafy and lady-filled Clemson (see above Clemson story). It has the potential to be the Ohio State-Texas of last week, which was really just a pleasure to watch. A loss for Miami could cause ‘Cane turmoil of a Ron Zook/Florida proportion. We like train wrecks like that, so we’re going with the Tigers. And a big hearty hello to all their southern belles who still give Shots goosebumps when he harkens back to the walk around that Clemson RV lot.

AG: Tennessee-Florida -- I think Florida quarterback Chris Leak gets it. Really, really gets it. The whole Urban Meyer shotgun-spread thing,
Quick reads, quarterback options ... the works. Leak or Tennessee QB Rick Clausen? Really, who do you think is going to win this game? Meyer is going to own Tennessee like Spurrier did (minus the "You can't spell Citrus without U-T" taunt.)

DD: Oklahoma-UCLA -- Somewhere along the way, UCLA football became the college football equivalent of the Clippers in LA, at least in terms of attention, and Southern Cal became the Lakers. Well, UCLA is going to elbow their way back onto the scene and be one of several Pac-10 teams that will make USC hustle (Cal, Arizona State, and possibly Oregon and Washington State the others). Now, that said, UCLA's win will also serve to cement Oklahoma's status as that team you get at the start of every college hoops and football season that gets badly overblown and takes a quick tumble (last year in football it was Missouri).

SO'N: Idaho-Washington -- My hatred of Washington has no bounds. I'm a Washington State grad in a family full of Dirty Huskies. But even I didn't enjoy last year's 1-10 UW season like I should have. It was like watching a bar bully finally get his. The first few punches were great. And it soon became obvious the Purple Pukes were not getting up. But they kept getting kicked, and kicked, and hit with beer mugs and pool cues and then chicks started lining up to get their licks in, and then the bartender, and then the priest who was just walking down the street. I actually started to feel sorry for them. But I'm over that. They're 0-2, their coach is a humorless cyborg and I'm married to an Idaho grad. I care less about my picking record than my ability to look at myself in the mirror. As Lee Corso said last week —- "I don't care who Washington is playing, I'll take the other guys."

Scoreboard: CFB after two weeks: Dave D., Dave S.: 2-0; SO'N, Forsberg: 1-1.

Pertinent football links

• Sheriff Sully has his own football thing going, which is especially recommended for those of you who wager a few bucks on football



• Dave's World Football Thursday Week Two



• Randolph's Random Picks,
prognosticating since 1995.



• Eric Mirlis's The Writers' Weekly Picks, for which Dave's World is ranked last in the "NFL Guru" division after Week 1. That is problem No. 1 right there -- the only subject for which I merit "guru" status is Mexican wrestling.



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