Football Thursday

How do you know it is time to start the NFL season? Easy: When there's a showcase national TV prime-time game coming from Foxboro.

Which means, of course, the Dave's World Wiseguys -- Shawn O'Neal of the Lindy's preview magazines; Dave Scott of Scott's Shots; future all-star sportswriter Chris Forsberg; and some clown with a blog -- are ready to roll.

This week's special guest panelist is Boston comedian Dan Sally. Dan hosts at the Comedy Studio in Cambridge on Thursday nights; has appeared in the Boston Comedy Festival three years running; and has opened for Kevin Nealon. I've been friends with Dan since high school and we know enough about each other's pasts to completely ruin each other's careers if we so chose.

On to the picks:

NFL

*SO'N: Seattle at Jacksonville -- Picking any game involving the Seahawks is a tough proposition, unless it's an important one. When that's the case, pick against them and feel comfortable all will be well. No team has mastered the choke-when-it-matters approach better than Mike Holmgren's team. That said, this game means virtually nothing, the Seahawks started each of the past two seasons 3-0, and defensive coordinator Ray Rhodes won't be with the team after a brief stay in the hospital for bouts of dizziness. If I was a heartless ass I'd make a joke off that, instead I'll just take the 'Hawks.

New York Jets at Kansas City -- Trent Green vs. Chad Pennington ... you gotta love NFL football, baby! But seriously, here's your stat of the week: KC is 7-4 in home games during the first half of the season since 2002. What does that mean? I have no freaking clue, but some tout sheet thought it important, so I figured I'd share it with you. People pay for this crap? The Jets are a better team, but the Chiefs will be fired up after pretty much blowing their entire 2004 season in Weeks 1-3. They are in no hurry this season, figuring weeks 2-17 provide plenty of time to blow chow.

Tennessee at Pittsburgh -- Speaking of blowing Chow, the good folks of Nashville are plenty excited about their new offensive coordinator. The problem is, the Titans hired Norm Chow away from USC, but they didn't get Matt Leinart or Reggie Bush. In lieu of actual research -- my preferred approach -- I'll pick this one blind and say it's gonna be Pittsburgh in a walk.

*Dan: Dallas at San Diego -- San Diego is the often-overlooked home of the fish taco. They are absolutely delicious. I think more people would eat fish tacos if it didn't sound like some filthy innuendo you'd hear in junior high, but such is the fish taco's fate. I think they'd really increase their selling power if they went by their Spanish name, "taco de los pescados". Anyway, San Diego also has someone named "Igor" on the defensive line. I predict Igor builds a super-team out of the reanimated body parts of convicts, scaring Dallas into submission.

Houston at Buffalo -- First off: Houston has a football team? Color me baffled, because I thought this franchise moved when they struck oil in Tennessee. I did a little research on both teams and, according to ESPN's web site, Houston has "Playoff Ambitions". That's the type of moxie that wins ball games. I say Tennesseein' is Tennebelievin' friends -- Houston all the way!

Arizona at Giants -- I'm convinced the only reason states like Arizona have pro teams is so out-of-state transplants can watch their hometown team beat someone without having to board a plane. Seeing as this week's game is at Giants Stadium, the waters are a tad muddied. The game is decided in the end by the Giants' secret weapon -- a donkey specially trained to kick field goals.

Forzy: Detroit over Green Bay -- Did you hear the audible groan when Jeff Garcia snapped his leg last week? Everyone in Motown was thinking
some variation of, "Why couldn't that have been Joey Harrington" or,
"Uh-oh, now we're really stuck with Joey Harrington." Fortunately for
Detroit, Brett Favre enters the 2005 campaign in peak shape to single-
handedly lead his team to 5-to-7 losses with ill-advised
passes into coverage. I love his toughness, but if I'm a Green Bay
fan I cringe every time Favre starts looking to throw while on the run.

Minnesota over Tampa Bay -- No Moss, no problem. Get used to Daunte Culpepper doing that touchdown celebration where he looks like he's calling a traveling violation in slow motion. There will be MVP whispers as he spreads the ball around to a talented receiving corps of Nate Burleson, Marcus Robinson, Travis Taylor and recently-signed Koren Robinson. I've already written a half-dozen "Can you believe he's doing this all without Moss!?" stories if any of the papers in the Twin Cities are looking to stock up before the holiday season. Minnesota wins big in this one. Mike Tice couldn't scalp these tickets if the NFL let him.

New England over Oakland -- I was at Building 19 the other day
(actually Building 19 1/10 as the one in Worcester, MA is labeled) and
bought a snow globe inscribed as "The Kick in the Snow." It shows
Adam Vinatieri booting one of his two field goals from the 2001 "Snow
Bowl" at Foxboro Stadium. I eBayed tickets to each home game for me and my dad that magical season, probably spending every cent I made as a college student. I even lucked into the most perfect 50-yard line seats for that game against Oakland and it's easily the greatest sporting event I've ever attended. More drama than the O.C. that evening. Long story short, I put that snow globe on the TV at my new home and that should ensure the Patriots win Thursday. (Hey Dave, are we supposed to be unbiased with these picks?)

*Dave S: Cincy at Cleveland -- I can't pronounce his name and I can't spell it. But the other receiver, not the Chad Johnson receiver, is one of my favorites from last year, so this one's gotta be a Cincy rout. (The underlying logic within that statement: I don't believe Romeo Crennel will be able to stop a vaunted passing attack. He always seemed like the run-stopping kind of defensive coach to me.)

New Orleans at Carolina -- It feels wrong to pick against the Saints. Wrong on a lot of levels, but mostly on the level that whispers in your ear: Who the hell gives a crap about football when a major American city has been washed away? That said, New Orleans will be everyone's sentimental pick for the whole season. But this weekend at least, sentimentality gets beaten by the Panthers.

Philly at Atlanta -- Midget Quarterback Day in Atlanta. Too bad the back-ups aren't Doug Flutie and Emmanuel Lewis. Ba-dump-bump. This has potential to be many things: a pre-cursor to the NFC Championship; a shoot-out; and quite possibly the best game of the month. It also has the potential to be an overbearing Monday night dissection of everything that has gone on between TO and Donovan F. McNabb. We'll go with Atlanta as the betting man but re-avow our long-held belief that Donovan Eff is the most intriguing personality in the NFL.

*Dave D.: Indianapolis at Baltimore -- Let me tell you what you're going to hear from every screaming talking head and sheep-like columnist around the country on Monday after the Colts win, so you don't have to waste your time reading or watching any of it: THIS WIN PROVES THIS IS PEYTON MANNING'S YEAR!!!!! JUST HAND HIM THE VINCE LOMBARDI TROPHY NOW!!!! ALL THOSE GAMES AGAINST THE PATRIOTS NEVER HAPPENED!!! PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!!!! Etc. I just might run a Peyton Fun Fact every week. This week's is that Peyton threw four interceptions against the Patriots in the AFC title game two seasons ago.

Chicago at Washington -- There's something fascinating about the fact that Mark Shapiro, the guy who turned ESPN into a network with programming that appears to be aimed at that hyperactive kid in your fifth-grade class with ADD who tried too hard to fit in with the cool clique, is going to work for Dan Snyder, who blows up his team and starts from scratch once every three days or so. Now, the end result of all those direction changes is that the Redskins suck, so I'll go with the Bears.

Denver at Miami -- First off, answering Chris's question above, no, you don't have to be unbiased. Which gives me the freedom to say that, having been raised in the tail end of the old Orange Bowl jinx and all the times the Pats came up short against Dolphins, it has been absolutely, thoroughly enjoyable to see Miami completely fall apart in recent years. Denver's win on Sunday will hopefully kick off another year of Miami misery.

The Official Dave's World Doesn't Care About This Game of the Week: St. Louis at San Francisco.

COLLEGES

SO'N: Texas at Ohio State -- Did you hear that Texas won the Rose Bowl last year? Yeah, it serves as the basis for most of the nation to believe that This Is The Year Texas Finally Does It (No, Really, We Mean It This Time). The problem is, Texas always finds a way to wet the bed. It's usually against Oklahoma. It might still be against Oklahoma, but that will be the second time Mack Brown has to change the sheets as the Horns and Vince Young are going to get exposed this weekend. National titles are as much about scheduling as anything else. A game at The Shoe is no way to do it.

Dan: Villanova at Rutgers -- If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it does it make a sound? If it does, I'd imagine it's similar to the sound of this game. I predict both teams declare victory in the absence of witnesses to verify the fact.

LeFors: Notre Dame at Michigan -- C'mon, you expect me to pick against Charlie Weis in a big game after my Snow Bowl rant? I half-expect
Weis to sneak David Givens back into a Fighting Irish uniform for
Saturday's blockbuster. Plus, you just know Tom Brady will be on the
phone two minutes after the game if Weis loses to the Wolverines. But
let's get to the real issue here: They are playing at the Big House
and Notre Dame can't bring its band because the facilities cannot
accommodate them. To recap: Michigan Stadium capacity - 107,501;
Notre Dame band -- 380.

Scotty: South Carolina at Georgia -- I won't call The Ole Ball Coach "The Ole Ball Coach" if you won't talk about the Bulldogs attacking the 'Cocks, deal? The only thing I need explained to me for this game, which Georgia will win easily, is how Lou Holtz has been able to fade quietly into the sunset despite major violations under his shady reign in Columbia? The guy's Teflon coated. And what, you think he just started cheating when he went down south? He must have had five times the cheating budget in South Bend. Disgraceful. Put a damn asterisk next to his name!

Double D: Iowa at Iowa State -- You know, when I looked at the college slate for this week and decided which games were good slabs of red meat for the Dave's World Wolves, this game struck me as compelling for some reason. Now I can't remember why I felt that way. Oh well. I'm guessing this is the biggest event on the Iowa sporting calendar all year long. The Hawkeyes have won nine in a row; I-State struggled to beat a 1-AA team last week. Sounds like an upset waiting to happen. Iowa State rolls.

Scoreboard: College picks after week 1: O'Neal, Scott, Doyle 1-0; Forsberg 0-1.

Pertinent football links

• Sheriff Sully has his own football thing going, which is especially recommended for those of you who wager a few bucks on football



• Dave's World Football Thursday Week One



• Eric Mirlis's The Writers' Weekly Picks, of which Dave's World is involved



• Email