Dy-no-mite!
You never know when Dave's World's faithful Northern Idaho recluse, Simon F., is going to check in. Or why he's going to be worked into a lather on any particular occasion. Last time I heard from him he was fuming because the Indian casino outside Coeur D'Alene doesn't accept food stamps in their slot machines. Today, though, Simon has an unusual target, even by his standards:
Why does everybody feel compelled to use player nicknames at all times, even when they are lame or not really nicknames? I remember reading that every time Josh Childress or Josh Smith score a bucket for the Hawks, the announcer says "bucket by J-Chill" or "Two for J-Smooth."
Now I read on ESPN that "JJ's trade to the Hawks has hit a snag." My question is, who is JJ? Is it Jumaine Jones? Jerome James? Jim Jackson? Jarrett Jack? Jared Jeffries?
Nope. It's Joe Johnson. So, why does he get to be JJ? Was he a big fan of Good Times? Is he Dy-no-mite? I'm so tired of everybody trying so hard to be cool. Let me be clear about this — Stuart Scott tries hard enough to be cool that nobody else ever has to try again. He's the Jesus Christ of trying to be cool. He's taken the bullet for all mankind and none of us ever has to be concerned with trying to be cool again as Stuart Scott sacrificed his credibility for all of us. Any reporter who fails to note that sacrifice is an ungrateful prick.
That Simon F -- he's cooler than the other side of the pillow. Stuart Scott doesn't bug me like he does many, but he does have one thing that gets on my nerves: Referring to Philadelphia as "The Illadelph." Now, I don't know, maybe people there refer to it that way. I've been to Philly about a dozen times in my life and I've never heard it referred to as the Illadelph. And no matter how many times he calls it such -- which is, basically, every single time Philly is mentioned in SportsCenter -- it is never going to catch on, ever.
Now, longtime Dave's World readers know my general take on basketball. Roughly, college hoops is a gift from God and proof of His existence; but watching the NBA is sort of like being forced to listen to Gilbert Gottfried and Bobcat Goldthwaite get into an hours-long screaming match.
Which brings us to the Antoine Walker trade. There are two players that can get me to stop and watch the NBA if I'm flipping through the channels: One, Antoine Walker; two, Shaquille O'Neal.
In Shaq's case, while I'm not 7-5 and 350 pounds, I am partial to watching my fellow big men succeed (Like, there are few things in sports I enjoy watching more than seeing a 320-pound lineman pick up a fumble and rumble 80 yards to the end zone). And he comes off as a genuinely good human being, not to mention he is the world's most high-profile Ultimate Fighting Championships fan (trust me -- when he's sitting front row at UFC they pan on about him 40 times per show), which all factor in.
Once -- just once in his career -- I want to see Shaq snap and just absolutely kick the bejeezus out of someone who hacks at him. Just once. We've never seen Shaq totally lose his cool. Can you imagine the carnage if he went into an all-out rage? It would be one of the most entertaining spectacles in the history of sports. I mean, remember how easily Robert Parrish took out Bill Laimbeer? Did anyone ever try to mess with Parrish again after that? And Shaq must have about 100 pounds on the Chief.
So I'm an unabashed Shaq fan. As for Antoine, the only time I've been excited about watching the Celtics over the past decade was that two-year span in which Pierce and Antoine carried the team deep into the playoffs. If that's bandwagon, so be it, but I love Antoine's hustle, his passion, his desire to win. His traits are so sorely lacking in the NBA, and they rubbed off on Pierce when they played together. Sure, 'toine had his 2-for-17 nights, no doubt, but I always felt like if I was buying a Celtics ticket and Antoine Walker was on the roster, I was at least going to get effort for my money.
Anyway, end result of the trade is that the Miami Heat now have the two players I most enjoy watching, so if I do watch any NBA this winter, which isn't terribly likely with the NHL back, I know which team I'll be most inclined to keep tabs on.
*Caught just the top of the ninth of the Sox game yesterday. Turned it on just in time to see Curt Schilling making a huge spectacle out of kissing the cross around his neck in full view of all the cameras. I'd say something snarky here, but then I remembered last October and the bloody sock and my vow to give Schilling a free lifetime pass for anything he says or does for the rest of his life. As for the last two outs of the game, those were definitely "yes, son, that is Curt Schilling, and you guys are the Kansas City Royals" calls by the ump.
And, WE HAVE A WINNER in the weekly Dave's World Contest, in which was asked our readers to tell us in less than 50 words why the general public was so easily able to see through Red Sox management's transparent attempt to run Manny Ramirez out of town (yeah, it was Pedro Martinez's fault. It wasn't because a bunch of people who should know better swallowed management's story hook, line, and sinker. Nosiree). Denis from Queens simply points out:
Manny Ramirez: .275 avg, 29 hr, 97 rbi, .371 obp, certain Hall of Famer.
Mike Cameron: .267 avg, 10 hr, 33 rbi, .341 obp, certain to buy a ticket to the Hall of Fame.
I was a little hesitant to crown my first two-time winner this soon into Dave's World Weekly Contest history, but then, DFQ is a Mets fan, so his brand-new Tacoma Rainiers pocket schedule is a consolation prize for not getting Manny.
Email
<< Home